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This episode is brought to you by Black Butler: Parody of the Phantomhives, a Black Butler abridged series/parody
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And by Midnight Musicals. Welcome to the podcast musical underground coming in early 2021. Thank you.
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DIVA: Greeting, mortals. Welcome to another session of the infernal court in Musical Hell.
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00:26.1
I'm Diva, your judge, jury, executioner, and fabulous rock superstar.
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00:30.4
There is a special place in my particular section of the inferno
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00:32.9
for movies built around hit recording artists.
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00:34.7
Oh, they're not all terrible.
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00:40.4
Every so often, you get A Hard Day's Night or some of the better titles on Elvis's IMDB page.
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00:48.0
But when they're bad—they rank from insufferably dumb to literally the worst film I have ever seen.
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00:50.8
And it's time to see where our next offender,
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00:52.6
Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park,
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00:54.1
falls on that scale.
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01:00.0
I have come to the conclusion that Kiss is essentially the Liberace of rock and roll.
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01:01.6
Stay with me on this.
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01:06.8
In terms of technical musical prowess, both Kiss and Liberace are good enough.
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01:09.1
They don't rank among the virtuosos of the art,
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01:12.0
but neither are they going out there and embarassing themselves.
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01:14.3
So, what sets them apart from the crowd?
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01:16.1
MEGAMIND: Presentation!
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01:21.2
DIVA: Yes, just as Mr. Showmanship had his elaborate capes and rhinestone everything,
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01:26.9
Kiss had their iconic makeup, superhero-esque personas, and spectacular concert effects.
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01:28.9
Say what you want, it works.
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01:34.1
And in 1978, it was working so well that Kiss was sitting on an avid fan base
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01:36.5
and a nice little merchandising empire.
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01:39.4
So, it's no surprise that Hollywood came calling.
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01:43.3
What is surprising is that the calling was done by Hanna-Barbera.
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01:46.5
Yes, that Hanna-Barbera.
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01:50.7
Although when you consider the script, involving magical powers,
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01:54.3
killer robots, and the villain wreaking vengeance on a theme park,
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01:57.1
maybe it's not so surprising after all.
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02:01.2
The filming—done mainly at what is now Six Flags Magic Mountain—
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02:04.7
had the usual mess of production issues exacerbated by the fact
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02:09.0
that the band was firmly in the drugs and alcohol abuse phase of stardom.
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02:10.6
Here's a fun drinking game.
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02:16.7
Take a shot every time Ace Frehley is obviously being understudied by his Black stunt double.
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02:21.3
To this day, Kiss's reactions to the film have ranged from ironic amusement
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02:24.1
to "Let's never speak of this again."
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02:29.6
So, let's examine the case of Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park to see what my reaction is.
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02:34.9
The credits take place accompanied by some theme park footage and "Rock and Roll All Night,"
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02:38.1
while Gene Simmons goes all kaiju over a roller coaster.
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02:43.6
[marching band plays]
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02:47.7
DIVA: Ah yes, when I think Kiss, I think marching band music.
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02:51.8
We'll be seeing a lot of theme park footage, especially in this first act,
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02:53.5
and that's sin #1.
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02:55.9
If I wanted to see a lot of theme park rides,
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02:59.2
there's more than enough videos on YouTube to accommodate that need.
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03:01.4
During the Magic Mountain B-roll,
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03:05.9
an exposition announcer helpfully informs us that Kiss has a three-night engagement
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03:07.7
at the park starting tonight.
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03:11.2
The park owner, Richards, is eager for the influx of income,
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03:15.1
but security officer Sneed is worried that the concert will bring too many
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03:19.0
of the darn kids these days with their rock music and hooliganism.
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03:22.2
We see three such specimens causing trouble in the park,
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03:25.0
tripping acrobats and cutting lines and such.
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03:26.2
GIRL: You talkin' to us?
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03:28.1
GUY: What's your beef? You a cop?
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03:32.3
GIRL: It's cool. Chopper and Slime don't hurt nobody less they want to.
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03:36.3
DIVA: But the concert is also anticipated by more wholesome types,
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03:38.5
like young lovers Melissa and Sam.
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03:41.8
Sam is working at the park to save up money for their marriage.
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03:47.0
It was the 70s. You could still imagine building a life together on a theme park salary.
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03:51.1
And he has to get on the job, but he promises to meet Melissa later.
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03:53.2
Melissa is sadly disappointed in that,
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03:57.8
as Sam instantly goes snooping around some old "Phantom of the Paradise" set pieces
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04:01.0
and instantly gets swallowed up by a secret passage.
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[door whooshes]
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[SAM screams]
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DIVA: As Melissa goes searching for Sam,
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04:11.2
we switch to Richards and the park engineer, Abner Devereaux.
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04:14.7
Devereaux is also not too thrilled with this whole Kiss thing,
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04:19.2
as it's taking away money he needs for research and development.
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04:24.4
This is our first indication that Devereaux is an unstable mad scientist type.
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04:28.2
DEVEREAUX: You're just blaming me for everything. Of course things malfunction!
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04:31.2
Every new piece of equipment has a shakedown period!
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04:34.4
DIVA: And there's the second indication.
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04:37.4
I give it about 15 minutes before Devereaux starts ranting
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04:40.0
about how they all laughed at him at the university
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04:43.7
But soon—SOON—we shall see who laughs last.
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04:47.3
Oh, and Devereaux's big passion is animatronic figures,
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04:50.3
which do not look very impressive to start off with.
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04:52.3
DEVEREAUX: Simon is a very delicate creature.
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04:55.1
It took nearly a year and $30,000 to perfect him.
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GUY: Come on, perfection? You call some baboon doing a herky-jerky perfection?
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DIVA: I'm kinda with Greasy McThug here.
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05:08.2
Regardless, Devereaux gives the trio of miscreants free tickets to The Chamber of Thrills,
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05:10.5
which isn't sinister at all.
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05:13.1
Meanwhile, there's a makeup contest going on,
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05:14.9
and Melissa is looking for her boyfriend,
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05:16.6
and one of the rides goes out of control,
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05:20.0
and sin #2, wasn't Kiss supposed to be in this movie?
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05:24.2
Look, I get wanting to build up suspense,
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05:26.6
As long as we're on the subject of phantoms,
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05:31.1
the operatic one doesn't appear in his musical until around the 20-minute mark
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05:34.0
and is on stage for only about 40 minutes total.
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05:38.2
But he's supported by a persistent sense of anticipation and danger
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05:40.5
that keeps things going even when the character,
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05:42.7
who is by far the most interesting in the story,
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05:44.8
isn't physically present.
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05:49.4
The only reason anybody might possibly want to see this movie is Kiss,
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05:52.5
but they don't show up until about a third of the way into the film.
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05:54.9
And the parts without them are pretty dull.
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05:58.5
And yes, the band has problems of their own when they do show up,
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mostly of the "really not good at this whole acting thing" variety.
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06:03.9
PAUL STANLEY: Gene's clean.
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PETER CRISS: A pussy cat -- almost.
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[ACE FREHLEY caws]
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06:10.9
DIVA: But still, they are the main draw to this entire enterprise.
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06:15.8
And without them, the whole thing goes from being a silly movie featuring an iconic rock group
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06:18.2
to just a silly movie.
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06:22.7
The local security guards aren't that interested in helping Melissa locate Sam,
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06:26.3
because like all movie security guards, they're functionally useless.
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06:30.6
But they do point her in the direction of Devereaux's underground laboratory.
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06:31.5
MELISSA: Underground?
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06:34.5
GUARD: Yeah, way underground.
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06:47.5
CAST OF HADESTOWN [singing]: Way down under the ground.
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06:51.4
DIVA: Devereaux sees Melissa snooping around the outskirts of his villain lair
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06:53.7
with his all-powerful surveillance system,
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06:55.9
and when he hears she's looking for Sam,
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06:59.8
he decides to let her in and show her some of his cool new animatronics.
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07:03.1
But he claims not to have seen Sam for several days,
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07:06.4
a lie immediately revealed after Melissa leaves.
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And Sam is shown with a mind control doohickey on his neck.
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DEVEREAUX: You're less curious now.
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But far more effective.
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DIVA: But Devereaux has other evil work to do,
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07:21.7
namely abducting the trio of thugs when they wander into The Chamber of Thrills,
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07:24.6
and who helpfully accommodate him by pulling the whole
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07:26.8
"You wait here. I'll be right back" routine.
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[man screams]
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07:34.1
[synthesizer music]
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DIVA: In between Devereaux abducting the random thugs
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07:39.2
and turning them into American history exhibits,
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07:41.5
we get to the main plot thread.
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07:44.5
See, Richards is no longer able to condone the safety risk
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07:49.0
posed by Devereaux's experimental but dangerously malfunctioning park equipment,
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07:51.6
and he gives the inventor his walking papers.
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07:53.9
Devereaux, mad scientist that he is,
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07:57.4
doesn't take it well and vows Richards will regret this.
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07:59.8
And he swears revenge on Kiss, too,
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because he thinks their appearance at the park is somehow also responsible for this.
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08:08.7
Speaking of, it's finally -- FINALLY -- time for the main event.
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[electric guitar and drums]
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08:21.9
DIVA: So, yeah, as previously mentioned, Kiss has superpowers in this movie,
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08:25.5
which since their stage look is based on comic book characters,
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08:28.5
is not as dumb of an idea as it might sound.
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08:33.9
Gene "Demon" Simmons breathes fire and speaks with an impressive reverb.
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08:37.8
Paul "Starchild" Stanley has an eye beam that does assorted plot-specific things.
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08:41.3
Ace "Space Ace" Frehley can teleport himself and others.
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08:45.4
And Peter "Catman" Criss does ... cat-type stuff.
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And of course, all four provide the movie with ample concert footage.
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08:56.9
KISS [singing]: Shout it / Shout it / Shout it out loud!
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09:00.2
DIVA: After the concert, Melissa goes backstage and sees Sam,
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09:03.4
who has been sent by Devereaux to get photos of each band member.
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09:07.6
She's obviously distressed when Sam walks by her without so much as a word,
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09:14.1
but Kiss learns of her problem through ... telepathy plot device something,
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09:15.4
and offers their assistance.
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09:18.0
Little do they know that they themselves are in danger,
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09:21.0
as Devereaux's evil plan goes into action.
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09:30.1
Wow, Devereaux will really need to up his android game
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09:33.7
if he wants to successfully recreate Gene Simmons' tongue action.
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09:37.9
The robo-demon wreaks havoc on the park and a couple of security guards,
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09:41.5
who maintain their proud tradition of functional uselessness.
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09:42.6
GUARD #1: Now what?
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09:49.9
[suspenseful music]
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09:51.3
DIVA: A word about the underscore.
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09:55.5
If this sounds like something Scooby and the gang should be sneaking around to,
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09:57.6
you're not too far off the mark.
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It was done by Hoyt Curtin, host-composer for Hanna-Barbera
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10:04.4
who provided music for them for over 50 years.
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Unfortunately, it clashes with the hard rock sound of our title band,
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10:10.4
so it's sin #3.
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10:15.4
So the next morning, Richards and the security staff find Kiss chilling by the pool
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10:17.8
as best they can while keeping with their aesthetic
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10:18.7
and they accuse—
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10:19.8
DEVEREAUX: Points to me.
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10:22.4
MELISSA: You and this whole place. You haven't been upfront with me.
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10:24.1
DIVA: Well, enough of that scene.
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10:26.5
We're back with Melissa interrogating Devereaux,
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10:27.9
who gives her a security pass—
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10:29.6
[GENE SIMMONS roars]
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10:34.0
DIVA: Get used to these abrupt scene changes.
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There are a lot of them in this movie.
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Bottom line, Gene's bandmates vouch for his innocence,
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10:41.8
and though Richards is not convinced,
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10:47.0
he'd rather save any arrests until after the big revenue-generating concerts are done with.
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10:50.4
Meanwhile, Kiss takes Melissa into their confidence
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10:53.2
and show her the talismans which give them their superpowers.
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10:58.1
Unfortunately for them, Melissa's security pass has been bugged by Devereaux,
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11:01.8
so he now knows about the magic Macguffins and sends Sam to steal them.
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Burgulary shenanigans ensues.
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11:11.4
DIVA: Unaware of the ransacking of their base, Kiss decides to take it down a little.
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11:18.6
KISS [singing]: I think I hear them calling / Oh Beth, what can I do?
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11:22.7
DIVA: It kills me that I'm going to have to mark "Beth" as sin #5,
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11:24.8
as it's not only a lovely song,
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11:28.0
it's the only one not performed in a concert setting
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11:32.4
and the only one that has anything resembling plot relevance and emotional depth,
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11:35.5
as Kiss is apparently trying to comfort Melissa with it.
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11:37.8
Which would have worked a lot better if
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11:41.4
a) this scene were set up in any way, shape, or form,
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11:46.1
or b) the female lead was actually named Beth.
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11:51.0
Come on, naming your characters for song lyrics is like Jukebox Musical 101.
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11:56.2
Oh, and the random cuts to Sam zombie-crashing around Kiss's suite don't help either.
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12:06.1
Sam's attempt to steal the talismans activates the cosmic force field protecting them—
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there's a cosmic force field protecting them—
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did I mention that?
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Melissa sees him leaving the scene of the crime
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and her screams at his unnatural state alert the band
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12:16.7
who quickly determine what has happened.
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12:20.3
1: They've fallen into the wrong hands.
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12:23.6
2: There are no right hands except ours.
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12:25.4
We must protect the power.
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12:28.6
DIVA: And it's time once again for ...
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12:38.8
DIVA: Kiss has discovered a failed attempt to steal the magic talismans which give them superpower and could be dangerous if they fell into the wrong hands.
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12:55.5
Should they...
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12:56.9
MELISSA: But are you sure they'll be safe here?
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12:59.9
1: They always have been, thanks to the force field.
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13:02.3
[face-palming]
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13:06.0
DIVA: After Wonder Woman-jumping over the park fence,
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13:10.5
the band seeks out Devereaux while contending with his mechanical monstrosities.
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13:14.8
At first, it finally looks like we might get some decent camp in this movie,
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13:17.7
as Kiss does battle with a pack of robo-monkeys.
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13:25.2
[action music]
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13:27.1
DIVA: But it gets old very quickly,
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13:31.0
as the band members half-heartedly go through several underlit fight scenes
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13:36.0
while Devereaux just kind of hangs out in his villain lair and does nothing.
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13:44.6
A glam metal group with superpowers fighting the evil robot henchmen of a subterranean-dwelling mad scientist should *not* be this dull.
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13:48.2
Devereaux sends Sam after the talismans again
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13:50.6
this time wiht a ray gun that neutralizes the force field.
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13:56.0
Meanwhile, Kiss has worked their way past the martial arts stereotype robots and the creepy carousel
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13:58.2
and into the Chamber of Thrills.
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14:14.9
SKROOB: Do something!
DARK HELMET: Do something!
COLONEL SANDURZ: Do something!
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14:18.5
So it's Kiss vs. Robots, round 3.
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14:20.9
But this time, the fight isn't as one-sided
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14:25.0
as Devereaux uses the ray gun toneutralize the talismans.
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14:29.8
They still manage to put in a good effort before Devereaux gets bored and suckes them up into some air ducts,
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14:34.6
trapping them in one of those laser cages that evil masterminds seem to have around.
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14:39.1
DEVEREAUX: Gentlemen, enjoy yourselves!
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14:46.0
DIVA: Sweet Lucifer, Devereaux, you are doing a really lousy job
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14:49.7
at the "explaining your evil plan to the captive heroes" part of your job.
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14:55.9
Basically, Devereaux's evil android Kiss dopplegängers will incite a riot at the concert,
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14:59.3
destroying the park and besmirching the group's reputation forever.
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15:05.8
And they will do this by ... singing alternate lyrics, I guess?
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15:07.1
[DOPPLEGÄNGERS singing]
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15:10.5
MAN: Let's tear this place down! The whole park!
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15:15.9
DIVA: Luckily, Devereaux has the whole "leave the heroes unattended so they can escape" part down,
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15:19.0
so they retrieve their talismans by using the force.
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15:22.7
There's less than 10 minutes left in the movie. We don't have time for explanations.
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15:27.0
And they fly to the concert stage just as things are starting to get out of control,
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15:30.8
engaging in a fight to the finish with their evil robot doubles.
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15:33.7
It's a lot less interesting than it sounds.
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15:44.5
DIVA: The robots are defeated. The park is saved. And the true Kiss takes to the stage in triumph.
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15:50.3
But wait, wasn't there an evil genius and a mind control boyfriend and stuff to take care of?
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15:58.3
DEVEREAUX: He created Kiss to destroy Kiss, and he lost.
15:58.3
16:02.2
DIVA: Are you kidding me?
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16:04.8
After all that, Devereaux just ...
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16:09.7
I don't even know ... dies or gets taken over by his own tech or something?
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16:12.1
Who thought that was a good conclusion?
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16:17.1
How does Paul just suddenly know where Sam's mind control doohickey is and how to remove it?
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16:21.2
Are the random thugs just stuck being animatronics for The American Adventure?
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16:23.8
And what about Scarecrow's brain?
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16:25.7
[thunder crashes]
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16:31.1
DIVA: Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park was never going to be good,
16:31.1
16:34.7
but at least it had the potential to be good camp.
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16:42.9
On paper, the plot sounds like it could rival Rocky Horror Picture Show and The Apple in terms of pure batshit crazy.
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16:45.6
But the results are one underwhelming scene after another,
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16:48.0
frequently with disorienting abruptness,
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16:52.9
interpsersed with Magic Mountain stock footage and a couple of plot cul-de-sacs.
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16:57.2
Only diehard Kiss fans are likely to be interested in this one.
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17:00.4
And given how little the band and their music actually figure in the film,
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17:04.3
I'm not sure I'd recommend it to them either.
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17:07.8
Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders the following punishments:
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17:12.8
For being a generally disappointing and anti-climactic villain,
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17:18.4
Abner Devereaux is condemned to take remedial classes from Scooby Doo antagonists.
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17:22.6
For providing and underscore ill-suited to the adventures of a glam rock group,
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17:28.1
Hoyt Curtin is condemned to have a romantic dinner accompanied by death metal.
17:28.1
17:31.9
And finally, for the tedious theme park experience that was this movie,
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17:38.1
writers John Michael Sherman and Don Boudet are condemned to an eternity in the Hall of Presidents.
17:38.1
17:41.0
So let it be recorded.
17:41.0
17:44.2
This session of the infernal court in Musical Hell is now adjourned.
17:44.3
17:45.5
[gavel bangs]
17:45.5
18:14.0
["Danse Macabre" by Camille Saint-Saëns]
