Some democratically elected politicians say the referendum result isn't valid.

I wasn't democratically elected and I say it was. 199 MPs is no mandate for leadership.

I need to keep my power so I'll be clutching onto 17 million votes.

The referendum result was not clear, it's probably not legitimate. The biggest vote for racism this country has ever known.

Brexit means whatever I decide on a whim and it'll be a success just for our party interests.

The reason I said not to invoke Article 50 is because it's a stupid thing to do, and more than likely illegal.

We have to wait until we've bribed the courts to go in our favour

But we can't drag it on too long.

The people voted to leave and we need to get it done before they change their minds.

If we don't leave the EU we'll be criticised by racists and idiots.

By the time any of them realise I want us to be able to compete with North Korea.

Let me be absolutely clear- none of us have the foggiest idea what we're doing.

The vote was a rejection of openmindedness, I intend to cement that rejection and have it reciprocated from other nations.

Any old Brexit will do as long as we leave the jurisdiction of the courts. I want my snoopers charter and I don't want it interfered with by a higher authority.

And we'll hear no more about that bloody bus too.

I think the vote was for political and economic freedom for the rich.

In the last three months I've had a ball. They gave me a huge country house to stay in.

I've done absolutely no work at all, I just travel around and waffle shit at people.

I've almost definitely put us on track to war with Russia.

When we leave, we'll still be in Europe of course, less active, less visible and less important.

We'll also be pulling out of a load of other integrations. Council of Europe- goodbye!

We won't have to help out in the Med anymore that can be Europe's problem, not ours.

Our voice won't be heard anymore internationally I'll make damn sure of it if I can't have a Royal Yacht to play with.

When I next go to that country I'll take Priti with me and we can have a laugh about who will go without.

When I was London Mayor they said to me "Boris you couldn't do a worse job if you tried"

Well here I am, not even trying and smashing that target!

When Her Majesty the Prime Minister asked me to be the worst foreign secretary in history I wasn't sure.

But then I saw the salary details and I said "Fuck Yeah I'll have some of that"

You'd be quite mad to refuse. You should see the amount of food I throw away now, it could feed the whole village of Ethiopia.

Talking of foreign people, I'd like to congratulate UKIP for writing our speeches this week.

We'd have asked Labour but they think we're out to harm the UK.

Just the ones that don't matter, not really the UK...

Anyone for Whiff Whaff?

You all know me, David Davis Minister for the Department of Exiting the European Union.

The sexiest area of politics right now.

I have nothing useful to say just meaningless soundbites for the conference.

British laws in British courts (like we've always had hehe)

English chocolate, Scottish Whiskey, Welsh Lamb, Irish Beef. Nobody will want to buy them soon.

Only a Mother could tell you that.

I'm going to sell Ice to Eskimos, China to the Chinese. Knockoff Dvds of Return to Oz to flog Down Under...

Liam Fox is reading the memoirs of Del Boy Trotter, this time next year we'll all be living in a dingy flat in Peckham.

The environment? Farms? Fracking will soon put a stop to those.

Prime Minister, reports are coming about the reactions on social media.

Ah my 17 million followers are they pleased?

Mrs May, they're all pissed off.

I told you, that snivelling bastard was supposed to perform the ritual the next day.

He'd better get our money cleaned while we're making Britain Great.

You need to write to Panama.

I want better paper I can't write on this crap.

The cost of paper has increased, they said leavers are blockading them, they want British paper from British trees.

Just tell them it's for trade deals, always works.

But we don't have any trade deals.

Don't you think I don't fucking know that!

We promised them everything and now it feels kind of wrong

Don't give me that wrong shit now Boris, you've told more lies than the rest of us!

We're so close to our goal, if we just had a plan.

And the Remainers outsmarted our innovative marmalade scheme

All- But Prime Minister, Brexit means Brexit...

I know, I know, I made it up. Wish I hadn't now.

I could hardly say Brexit means we're all fucked no matter how we do it. Hammond how's the treasury dept?

Completely screwed I'm afraid. I had to totally wing my speech out there.

I wouldn't be making too many promises of post-Brexit funding.

Fuck. And Belfast?

Prime Minister.

I still can't believe they have courts with leprechaun judges. We can't afford gold to bribe them.

They are arguing that Northern Ireland has a veto because of the Good Friday Agreement.

They have their own sovereignty.

Then we'll have to take back control, England is in charge and we will not allow one nation to force the others against their people's will.

We will have to undevolve the devolved governments, or they'll all be at it.

Very well, get me the Revolver.