00:00.0
00:02.3
Our troops have broken through along a wide front
00:02.4
00:07.0
They've taken Chernobyl to the north and are advancing to Kyiv
00:07.1
00:11.2
They're on the eastern outskirts of Kharkiv and Mariupol
00:11.3
00:15.4
They've reached Dnieper and Melitopol to the south
00:17.1
00:20.7
Our paratrooper assault will bring Hostomel airport under control, ensuring quick victory.
00:24.0
00:25.2
Mein Führer
00:29.9
00:33.1
Our troops were totally annihilated at the airport
00:33.2
00:36.3
The Ukrainians have stopped our advances on all fronts
00:52.6
00:58.0
The following men will stay here: Medvedev, Lavrov, Shoigu and Kadyrov
01:12.9
01:15.3
They were supposed to surrender!
01:15.4
01:18.8
We should have won already!
01:18.9
01:23.2
You assured me that Ukraine would surrender within hours!
01:24.8
01:27.1
Do I need to start poisoning underwear again?
01:29.0
01:33.0
The military, everybody, has been lying to me. Even the FSB!
01:34.1
01:39.6
Our generals are just a bunch of drunken, disloyal cowards!
01:39.7
01:42.6
The Ukrainian resistance has been fiercer than expected...
01:42.7
01:46.2
They are cowards, traitors and thieves!
01:46.3
01:49.0
Mein Führer, they have javelins, NLAWs and stingers provided by the West!
01:49.1
01:51.7
They are Europe's poorest country with no airforce!
01:51.9
01:54.4
Why aren't they capitulating?
01:55.7
02:00.1
We have prepared this for over a year! With our best troops!
02:00.3
02:04.0
Just to run out of diesel and getting arrested when asking for it from a local police station!
02:04.1
02:07.9
Asking for directions and begging for food from the local civilians!
02:08.0
02:12.8
How can our military be this bad?!?!?
02:13.6
02:16.5
They clearly do not fear me
02:16.6
02:21.4
Even though I get rid of people just like Stalin used to!
02:27.0
02:29.1
Our operations have always succeeded
02:29.2
02:36.5
And European Union has never done anything to stop us
02:42.2
02:47.5
The whole world is laughing at our troops right now! They do not fear us!
02:47.6
02:52.9
And Germany of all nations supported strong sanctions against us
02:53.0
02:55.7
But the Ukrainian leadership will pay
02:56.7
02:59.4
They will all be drinking polonium tea while falling through a window.
02:59.5
03:02.9
While I continue to instill fear from my bunker
03:03.5
03:07.8
Don't worry, we already exchanged our rubles to euros
03:13.4
03:17.0
We need to wrap up this war quickly
03:17.6
03:23.5
And go back to squeezing money from EU in exchange for gas
03:24.6
03:26.1
Everyone hates us now
03:31.0
03:33.3
We have failed
03:40.4
03:44.1
But I will take all of the oligarchs and Russian economy down with me
03:44.2
03:48.5
While Ukraine joins the EU and NATO and we lose it forever
03:53.2
03:55.0
Zelenskyi had the last laugh
