Richard Lewis: Hi, I'm Richard Lewis, and welcome to United Artists Theatres' wonderful world of film entertainment.

Don Rickles: One senior, one child.

Richard Lewis: Hey, don't... Cut it out, huh?

Look even though Don Rickles plays my father on TV, when that actually related, thank God. And I'm not a child, huh?

Don Rickles: Don't be a moron, I got you in for a half-price, didn't I?

Richard Lewis: *sighs* We're at the movies to give you a few tips on how to make a theater-going experience to a happy one.

Don Rickles: Rule 1: Go alone.

Richard Lewis: Oh, what a kidder, always with the jokes. Move it, “wolfman”.

Oh, and listen why are you here when I stopped by your concession stand for your favorite snacks.

You know, once inside the theater, please find your seat quickly and courteously.

Don Rickles: Of those your feet are did you just escape from the circus!

Move it, will ya? My popcorn box is going out of style!

Richard Lewis: You know, everybody knows there's no smoking in the theater, but believe it or not, some people still think it's okay to talk during the movie! I hate this!

—Don Rickles: I'm saying this one! —*Two men shush*

Don Rickles: This is where he finds out his girlfriend is really an alien!

Richard Lewis: Aw, jeez...

—Anonymous: Why don't you pipe down? —Don Rickles: Why don't you go back to your old job, dance with the organ-grinder?

Richard Lewis: He's not really my daddy, he just played my dad on a new show, this fall doesn't...

Aw...jeez...aw...

And another thing, help keep the theater clean by putting a trash in the proper receptable.

Oh, it's cold...

Just follow these simple guidelines and we can all have fun. But remember, you know, someone's disturbing the theater, simply notify the manager and they'll take care of it for you.

Don Rickles: Hey! I-I didn't do anything! I'm warning you! I know some of trap!

Hey! Where... where's my popcorn?!

Richard Lewis: I think now we're ready to enjoy the movie.

Subtitles created by Santiago Reveco Lepe