00:00.0
00:02.2
[Captions by Nope Nope]
00:02.2
00:06.8
Ace Combat Zero is a game which at first appears to be about planes and war,
00:06.9
00:10.5
but then hits the player with giant lasers and thermonuclear retaliation.
00:10.6
00:14.7
This game takes place in the Strangereal universe in which the nation of Belka
00:14.7
00:15.5
h a s h a d e n o u g h
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00:16.8
and invades its neighbours of
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00:17.5
and invades its neighbours of Ustio,
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00:18.2
and invades its neighbours of Ustio, Osea,
00:18.3
00:19.0
and invades its neighbours of Ustio, Osea, and Sapin
00:19.0
00:20.9
(which is just Spain with two letters switched).
00:20.9
00:24.3
You play as a mute mercenary in charge of his best friend,
00:24.3
00:26.2
and your task is to liberate Ustio,
00:26.2
00:27.5
and your task is to liberate Ustio, stop the Belkans,
00:27.5
00:31.0
and your task is to liberate Ustio, stop the Belkans, and deliver an everlasting peace and prosperity to the world.
00:33.3
00:35.2
[Act I: Directus]
00:35.2
00:37.5
"Hello ladies and gentlemen welcome to your first ever sortie,"
00:37.6
00:39.5
"please ignore the subtitles at the bottom of the briefing."
00:39.5
00:41.3
"I don't know what's causing them and it's probably a ghost."
00:41.3
00:44.2
"I would like to be absolutely frank with the reality that God hates us,"
00:44.2
00:47.4
"and out airforce now consists of two men with dubious psychological scores."
00:47.4
00:50.2
"Go kill some enemy bombers, it'll be cRaAaAaZy~"
00:50.2
00:52.5
So you're sent out into the mountains where you'll probably die,
00:52.5
00:54.7
and you get very acquainted with your cool buddy,
00:54.7
00:56.1
and you get very acquainted with your cool buddy, whose name is Solo Wing Pixy.
00:56.1
00:58.9
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm
00:58.9
00:59.1
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from
00:59.1
00:59.3
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse
00:59.4
00:59.5
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse my
00:59.5
00:59.7
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse mytho
00:59.7
00:59.8
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse mytholo
00:59.8
01:00.0
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse mythology,
01:00.0
01:01.0
You are a member of the Galm team, which is a reference to Garm from Norse mythology, but Japanese.
01:07.5
01:11.7
You quickly get nervous about the enemy bombers, including the ones attempting to escape your wrath.
01:11.7
01:13.2
And the mission is accomplished within two minutes.
01:13.2
01:14.5
And the mission is accomplished within two minu- wait you can hit those?
01:15.7
01:17.0
So you're sent out into the mountains where you'll probably die,
01:17.0
01:22.1
"This mission further seeks to lull you into a sense of blindly following orders and fufilling our tactical objectives,"
01:22.2
01:24.3
"which is not a theme that will backfire on us."
01:24.3
01:27.2
"Make sure you don't target the tents of refugees in the area,"
01:27.2
01:30.3
"Make sure you don't target the tents of refugees in the area, I promise you that there is no gameified point benefit to that."
01:30.3
01:31.8
So you go straight for the fuckin windmills
01:31.8
01:34.9
(try to make grain now you stupid Dutch bastard, can't even wear correct shoes)
01:35.0
01:38.1
I'm totally serious though, you get points for destroying refugee tents, it's funny.
01:40.0
01:43.5
Besides that, all you have to do is take out all of the targets in the mission with your buddy,
01:43.5
01:47.3
who was on Are You Afraid Of The Dark season 1 episode 1 as the youngest child
01:47.3
01:48.2
(I'm serious, look it up)
01:48.2
01:51.2
Then you win because it takes a speedrunner 30 seconds to do this mission.
01:51.2
01:54.8
"We are sending you now to secure the strategic airzone of B7R."
01:54.8
01:58.5
"It is known as the Round Table due to how many wars were fought there previously,"
01:58.5
02:00.5
"so don't trip on any skulls while walking in."
02:00.6
02:05.6
What awaits you there is a climactic and important battle featuring all of the greatest pilots in the world.
02:05.6
02:08.6
Pixy, thinking quickly, sets his HUD to W for Wumbo,
02:08.6
02:12.1
and you engage the enemy, barely dodging their bullets and retaliating in return.
02:12.1
02:16.1
Then, just on the cusp of victory, you look to the horizon and see planes approaching.
02:16.1
02:18.2
But these are not normal planes.
02:30.5
02:32.5
"Wait a fucking second, did I hear that right?"
02:32.5
02:33.8
"What do you mean by that?"
02:33.8
02:35.9
"The drowning part, Schmitt, i-is that real?"
02:40.0
02:41.9
"So was that like a prank, or was it just like a-"
02:41.9
02:42.9
"No, it's just water."
02:46.3
02:48.3
"Bro I think we gotta shoot him down before he dies."
02:48.3
02:49.3
"Later bitch."
02:54.3
02:58.1
"My name is John McNamera, and I'm an interviewer for the Osean Broadcasting Corporation."
03:00.5
03:05.3
"What you had just seen was an interview between myself and Mr Schmitt of the former Grun squadron."
03:05.3
03:09.3
"I am slowly beginning to unravel the mystery of the long lost pilot known as Cypher,"
03:09.3
03:15.0
"and I knew my best bet to find Cypher was to interview as many people as I could from the 1995 Belkan War."
03:15.0
03:17.4
"In fact, we didn't have to look far at all for his wingman,"
03:17.4
03:20.2
"In fact, we didn't have to look far at all for his wingman, who is standing outside of my house with a gun."
03:22.9
03:26.9
"It is time to lay a path for the liberation of the Ustio capital of Erectus."
03:26.9
03:27.1
"It is time to lay a path for the liberation of the Ustio capital of- I mean-"
03:27.1
03:28.0
"It is time to lay a path for the liberation of the Ustio capital of Directus."
03:28.0
03:29.9
"Choose your own adventure!"
03:29.9
03:30.7
"It doesn't matter."
03:30.7
03:35.7
So you are sent into the Futuro canal to destroy all the targets you are told to shoot like a good dog.
03:35.7
03:36.3
And that's it.
03:36.3
03:37.7
And that's it. Like, d-do you expect a fuckin circus?
03:37.7
03:38.7
And that's it. Like, d-do you expect a fuckin circus? It's a PS2 game.
03:38.7
03:43.1
At least in this mission you are able to fully admire the fine cuisine of the crusted JPEG.
03:43.1
03:46.4
"I gotta say Galm 1, awesome job taking out those enemy children."
03:46.4
03:48.3
"Thanks to you the liberation of the workers of Directus is at hand."
03:48.3
03:48.4
"Thanks to you the liberation of the- I mean- of Directus is at hand."
03:48.5
03:50.2
"Thanks to you the liberation of the people of Directus is at hand."
03:50.2
03:57.6
"Your uh next mission will therefore be to... ahh... help the job creating factory owners and landlords enter their rightfully attained property."
03:57.6
04:01.5
So you and your buddy protect Jeff Bezos on the way to the town of Solis Ortis.
04:01.5
04:03.4
That's latin for fuckin sunrise I'm not stupid,
04:03.4
04:05.9
That's latin for fuckin sunrise I'm not stupid, [I'm not transcribing this lmao]
04:05.9
04:10.5
My favourite part of the mission is taking out all of the targets and then the mission ends within a few minutes.
04:10.5
04:12.5
"What the fuck are they gonna do to me when they figure out that I'm going to lead them into a deathtrap?"
04:12.6
04:13.4
"What the fuck are they gonna do to me when they figure out that I- OH SHIT THIS THING'S ON-"
04:13.4
04:15.4
"You will be liberating Erectus from the guys who are in Directus."
04:15.4
04:18.1
"You will be liberating Directus from the guys who are in Directus."
04:18.1
04:23.6
In previous missions, the destruction of civilian property came with the belief that they were probably in some way beneficial to the enemy,
04:23.6
04:24.8
such as storing ammunition.
04:24.9
04:26.1
However, in this mission,
04:26.1
04:27.5
However, in this mission, you just fucking bomb your own city.
04:27.5
04:29.4
However, in this mission, you just fucking bomb your own city. There's literally no reason to do so.
04:29.4
04:32.0
How many innocent McDonalds employees do you think I just murdered?
04:32.0
04:38.2
Soon enough, though, the shrapnel faces of the townsfolk cry out in liberation, and the city is saved.
04:39.1
04:44.0
"hey bro did you see that whoever [unintelligible] i love that guy do you think i can has cheeseburger after that haha get it"
04:44.0
04:47.2
"Cipher, I can't put my finger on it but I don't feel comfortable about these guys."
04:47.2
04:52.4
"rawr xd i am so random haha but you cant be my friend on clubpenguin.com its only for goths like myself"
04:52.4
04:56.0
So you fight the guys who decide to arrive late to the most important battle of the war.
04:56.0
04:59.8
"the plane is too damn high haha get it cluck cluck do you know da wae ugandan knuckles"
04:59.8
05:01.4
"Cipher, what the fuck is this guy saying?"
05:01.4
05:02.3
"THEY ARE MEMES."
05:02.3
05:03.7
"THEY ARE FUNNY. MEMES."
05:03.7
05:05.1
"What the fuck is a meme?"
05:08.5
05:10.9
"I don't even know why I bothered interviewing you."
05:10.9
05:12.8
"You're just cringe, and you make me want to kill myself."
05:12.8
05:14.6
"Have you ever heard of Big Chungus?"
05:17.7
05:18.7
"He's like a fat Bugs Bunny."
05:18.7
05:19.4
"Shut the fuck up."
05:21.3
05:23.2
[Act II: Belka]
05:23.2
05:25.6
"Alright gentlemen, we have liberated occupied Kuwait,"
05:25.7
05:26.3
"Alright gentlemen, we have liberated occupied- I mean-"
05:26.3
05:27.0
"Alright gentlemen, we have liberated occupied Ustio,"
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05:30.7
"and we are going to be 'inspecting' the Belkans for WMDs."
05:30.7
05:36.0
"You need to break through a gigantic fortress called Glatisant that's filled with military personnel and arms in order to"
05:36.1
05:36.4
"You need to break through a gigantic fortress called Glatisant that's filled with military personnel and arms in order to in-"
05:36.4
05:37.9
"You need to break through a gigantic fortress called Glatisant that's filled with military personnel and arms in order to inspect for WMDs."
05:37.9
05:41.1
You proceed with your 'inspection' by mounting cameras on top of your missiles.
05:41.1
05:42.0
And you do this forever.
05:42.1
05:42.3
And you do this forever. It-
05:42.3
05:43.7
And you do this forever. It takes fuckin forever.
05:43.7
05:45.9
You kill the entire fortress. By yourself.
05:45.9
05:46.7
C o o l i n s p e c t i o n .
05:46.7
05:48.1
And yet something feels wrong.
05:48.1
05:52.4
Your allies seem to report mysterious dissapearences of friendly planes from the radar.
05:52.4
05:53.6
But not you, so...
05:53.6
05:54.1
But not you, so... fuck em.
05:54.1
05:57.8
"I guarentee you Galm 1, those thirty missing aircraft show up eventually. No problem."
05:57.8
06:00.3
"Go escort friendly marines to an airbase."
06:00.3
06:01.2
"Go escort friendly marines to an airbase. It'll be fine."
06:01.2
06:01.7
"Go escort friendly marines to an airbase. It'll be fine. No issue."
06:01.8
06:06.7
"You know Cipher, this is a beautiful country, I think I would kill to be able to visit here without a passport,"
06:06.7
06:07.7
"You know Cipher, this is a beautiful country, I think I would kill to be able to visit here without a passport, or border security,"
06:07.7
06:09.0
"You know Cipher, this is a beautiful country, I think I would kill to be able to visit here without a passport, or border security, or even formal laws."
06:09.0
06:12.1
"And you know, there's not much difference between countries from up here!"
06:12.1
06:14.3
So you and your buddy go to take out the airbase by,
06:14.4
06:15.0
So you and your buddy go to take out the airbase by, what else,
06:15.0
06:16.9
So you and your buddy go to take out the airbase by, what else, destroying all the fuckin targets in the base.
06:16.9
06:19.6
And that's it. The base is secure, and the marines are showing up.
06:19.6
06:21.5
And that's it. The base is secure, and the marines are showing- okay that's a FUCKING LASER.
06:22.2
06:23.7
"Hey Frank, do you think something happened to the plane?"
06:27.9
06:29.1
Did the Belkans conscript
06:29.2
06:29.6
Did the Belkans conscript G O D ! ?
06:29.6
06:31.4
You spend the rest of the mission dodging lasers
06:31.4
06:32.3
You spend the rest of the mission dodging lasers FROM SPACE! HOW?!
06:32.3
06:38.2
It's going to be difficult to reach this new nemesis, as we embark on a long journey to eventually defeat this powerful threat.
06:38.2
06:40.3
"Alright guys we're going to be killing the giant laser today!"
06:40.3
06:44.6
"The last fuckin poser got deposed from his post because he was trying to lead you into a gigantic laser."
06:44.7
06:47.6
"Not me though, I'm trying to lead you to the laser in a different way than him."
06:47.6
06:49.1
"H̢ᴇ̷ʟʟᴏ̨ Gᴀʟ͏ᴍ͘ ᴛᴇ̡ᴀᴍ,͜ I'ʟʟ ̧ʙᴇ ͏ᴊ̀ᴏɪ͘ɴ́ɪɴ͜ɢ ʏᴏᴜ̀ ᴛ́ᴏᴅᴀ͜ʏ."
06:49.1
06:52.0
"Mʏ̶ ̷ɴᴀ͢ᴍ̨ᴇ ɪs͝ ̀PJ, ̵ᴡʜɪᴄʜ sᴛᴀɴᴅs ̵ғᴏ͏ʀ̀ ̷P̵ᴇᴀɴᴜ͞ᴛ̢ ʙᴜᴛ͏ᴛᴇ͢ʀ̸ ̡J̡ᴀ͞ᴄᴋ̀sᴏ̷ɴ̶ᴠ̷ɪ͞ʟ̸ʟ̸ᴇ̷,͜ ̧F̛ʟᴏʀ̴ɪᴅ̕ᴀ.̧"
06:52.0
06:54.8
"I'҉ᴍ҉ ͟ʀ͘ᴇ̢ᴀ̶ʟʟʏ̀ ͢sᴏʀʀʏ́ ̧ᴀ̵ʙ͟ᴏᴜᴛ ᴍ͘ʏ̛ ̵ᴍɪᴄʀᴏᴘ͘ʜ̸ᴏ͜ɴ͞ᴇ ̧ᴏ͠ᴜ͝ᴀ͟ʟ͢ɪᴛʏ͏ ͠ɢ͠ᴜʏ̸s."
06:54.8
06:56.6
"Yᴏ̵ᴜ ᴋɴᴏᴡ,͘ ͏I̸ ɢ̢ᴏ͟ᴛ̴ ̢ᴀ ͏ɢ͢ɪ̨ʀ̡ʟ҉ғʀ͘ɪ̢ᴇɴᴅ̵ ͞ʙ͜ᴀᴄᴋ ᴀᴛ͞ ʙᴀ͞s͘ᴇ͝.͝"
06:56.6
06:59.1
And with that, PJ's death was guarenteed.
06:59.1
07:02.0
You proceed towards the laser, dodging its incredibly slow moving attack
07:02.0
07:03.9
You proceed towards the laser, dodgi ng its incredibly slow moving attack (isn't this supposed to like move at the speed of light?),
07:03.9
07:05.6
before quickly outsmarting God.
07:05.6
07:09.2
You fly to the laser, forcing the Belkans to activate their RAVE protocol.
07:09.3
07:11.4
[Caramelldansen intensifies]
07:11.4
07:13.1
Now it's time to poop on their party.
07:13.1
07:17.6
You dive in several times, taking many attempts to destroy delicate glass for some reason,
07:17.6
07:20.1
before finally focusing on the superstructure itself.
07:20.1
07:25.8
Eventually the tower of Excalibur falls, and is beautifully made into an Italian cultural landmark.
07:25.8
07:27.4
"Alright, so we're sending you guys to get air superiority"
07:27.4
07:28.1
"Alright, so we're sending you guys to get air sujb-"
07:28.1
07:30.1
"Alright, so we're sending you guys to get air superiority"
07:30.1
07:30.7
"Alright, so we're sending you guys to get air superioririb-"
07:30.7
07:31.0
"Alright, so we're sending you guys to get air superioririb- F U C K "
07:31.0
07:33.1
"You are going back to B7R."
07:33.2
07:37.2
"At this point, King Arthur's round table is getting really fucking crowded and I need you to remove some of the guests."
07:37.2
07:41.4
When you arrive, the situation is dire, and allied reinforcements are desperately needed.
07:41.4
07:46.3
You friends become horrified to find that Osean high command has only sent in two planes as reinforcements...
07:46.3
07:47.6
You friends become horrified to find that Osean high command has only sent in two planes as reinforcements... and so are the Belkans.
07:47.6
07:51.5
A chaotic dogfight ensues, where the best of the best on both sides collide.
07:51.5
07:55.6
Little by little, inch by inch, you sieze victory from the jaws of defeat,
07:55.6
07:58.1
but in doing so have provoked a beast.
07:58.1
08:01.2
"Whoever installed the microwave inside of my jet is a goddamn genius,"
08:01.2
08:03.1
"Whoever installed the microwave inside of my jet is a goddamn genius, holy shit look at those fucking utensils go!"
08:03.1
08:04.3
"Whoever installed the microwave inside of my jet is a goddamn genius, holy shit look at those fucking utensils go! They're so fucking bright!"
08:04.3
08:07.2
"When we're done with this we're gonna go microwave some more forks, it'll be hilarious."
08:07.2
08:08.7
"𝕆𝕙 𝕘𝕠𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕒𝕥 𝕔𝕒𝕞𝕖𝕣𝕒 𝕙𝕒𝕤 𝕤𝕦𝕔𝕙 𝕒 𝕘𝕠𝕠𝕕 ℤ𝕆𝕆𝕄!"
08:08.7
08:14.4
"Prolonged exposure to the upper atmosphere's radiation has opened our eyes to the holy sparkiness of the microwave oven,"
08:14.4
08:15.7
"specifically metal inside of it."
08:15.7
08:17.8
"And you're looking an awful lot like a spoon right now."
08:17.8
08:18.3
"I want to"
08:18.3
08:18.6
"I want to dommy"
08:18.6
08:18.9
"I want to dommy mommy"
08:18.9
08:19.3
"I want to dommy mommy milky"
08:19.3
08:19.8
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy"
08:19.8
08:20.1
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer"
08:20.2
08:20.6
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer zoomer"
08:20.6
08:20.9
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer zoomer tradboy"
08:20.9
08:21.5
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer zoomer tradboy boomer"
08:21.5
08:21.9
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer zoomer tradboy boomer tradcath"
08:21.9
08:22.5
"I want to dommy mommy milky tomboy doomer zoomer tradboy boomer tradcath goth gf"
08:23.4
08:24.5
[Chewbacca noise]
08:24.5
08:25.8
"Oh shit how did he rewind time?"
08:25.9
08:27.2
So this fight is one of the harder
08:27.2
08:28.2
So this fight is one of the harder- oh my fUCKING GOD-
08:28.2
08:31.1
This fight is one of the hardest, because you're fighting eight simultaneous aircraft.
08:31.1
08:35.8
The odds are certainly stacked against you, but challenges are meant to be overcome.
08:35.8
08:38.0
𝐍𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐈 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦.
08:38.0
08:41.3
"Guys I think I'm suffering a mechanical failure related to the pilot's mental state."
08:41.3
08:42.8
"I'm joining the sparkies now"
08:42.8
08:43.3
"I'm joining the sparkies now WOOOOO"
08:43.9
08:48.9
"My next lead on the trail to finding Cypher was a man named Dominic Zubov, leader of the former Schwarze squadron."
08:48.9
08:53.5
"Unfortunately I believe the battle had taken quite a toll on the man and he was of little use to me."
08:53.5
08:55.5
"I'ᴍ ɢᴏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ғᴜᴄᴋ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴅᴀᴅ!"
08:55.5
08:58.6
"Cᴜᴍᴍɪɴɢ ʜɪɢʜ, ɪɴᴛᴏ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏʀɴɪɴɢ sᴋʏ!"
08:58.6
09:00.2
"Fᴜʀʙᴊғᴋᴇʜᴀᴏɪғʜɪᴅᴏᴠʜᴠᴡ"
09:00.2
09:04.2
"We've got a special mission in mind for order following gentlemen such as yourselves."
09:04.2
09:07.7
"The industrial city of Hoffnung is vital to the enemy's arms production,"
09:07.7
09:10.1
"The industrial city of Hoffnung is vital to the enemy's arms production- I don't think we're looking for fuckin nukes anymore dawg."
09:10.1
09:10.9
"You're gonna..."
09:10.9
09:12.0
"You're gonna... assist bombers,"
09:12.0
09:14.3
"You're gonna... assist bombers, with their strictly tactical targets."
09:14.3
09:17.3
Oh my god what are we doing!? I just wanted to end the war!
09:17.3
09:20.5
This mission isn't even a challenge, it's just arson with extra steps!
09:20.6
09:22.5
What happened to the fun plane game!?
09:22.5
09:26.2
"Hᴏ͢ᴡ ᴄ͢ᴀ̵ɴ ʏ́ᴏᴜ̴ ᴇ̧xᴘ̡ᴇ͡ᴄᴛ͟ ᴜs ᴛᴏ҉ ́ᴅᴏ ᴛʜɪ̕s!̷? Aʀ҉sᴏ͜ɴ ᴀɴᴅ̴ ɪ͡ɴ̛ᴅ̵ɪ͜sᴄ̵ʀ͏ɪ̧ᴍ̴ɪɴᴀ̶ᴛᴇ̨ ʙ͢ᴏ͠ᴍʙ̛ɪ̧ɴɢ ɪ͠sɴ̸'ᴛ ᴡ́ᴀ̵ʀ!̀"
09:27.2
09:27.8
"...Yeah it is."
09:28.4
09:30.0
"Plus your microphone is a fucking war crime."
09:30.1
09:33.9
"Enemy jets scramble hopelessly to try and defends their friends and family..."
09:33.9
09:35.2
"Enemy jets scramble hopelessly to try and defends their friends and family... and you take them out."
09:35.2
09:40.0
"You hear the sounds of screaming and of air raid sirens, and just like every other target before..."
09:40.0
09:40.8
"You hear the sounds of screaming and of air raid sirens, and just like every other target before... you take them out."
09:40.8
09:45.7
"You take them all out, burning everything until there is only silence."
09:45.7
09:48.1
"Is this worth it?"
09:48.1
09:49.6
"How many points did you get?"
09:51.7
09:53.9
[Act III: Waldreich]
09:53.9
09:56.5
"Ho-okay, let's keep this war going!"
09:56.5
10:01.6
"All we need you to do now, my loyal puppies, is to destroy the remaining line of defense at Waldreich."
10:01.6
10:03.8
"Yes I did get a german to help be pronounce that."
10:03.8
10:06.1
"Y͡ᴏ͢ᴜ͜'͡ʀ͜ᴇ͠ ғ̀ᴀʟʟ͏ɪɴ̀ɢ͠ ͡ʙᴇʜ̡ɪɴᴅ̕ ̀Gᴀ͠ʟᴍ̴ ̢2͠,̨ ᴅᴏ̴ ͠ʏᴏᴜ ́ʜᴀᴠᴇ ᴀ ᴍ͢ᴇ҉ᴄ͜ʜᴀ̕ɴ̧ɪᴄ́ᴀʟ̨ ͞ɪ͝ss͡ᴜᴇ͘?͟"
10:06.1
10:07.8
"Nah, I'm just sad."
10:07.8
10:09.6
"Nah, I'm just sad. I've been reading Posadas."
10:10.4
10:11.6
"‧‧‧W͝ʜᴀᴛ ̵ᴛ͝ʜᴇ ͢ғᴜᴄᴋ ɪ́s ᴘ͠ᴏ̨s̶ᴀᴅᴀş?̛"
10:11.6
10:13.0
"I'm going to k i l l y o u P J ."
10:13.1
10:17.8
Suddenly, the mission updates, and the actual objective becomes taking out a mysterious fleet of bombers heading south.
10:17.8
10:21.6
Their motivation soon becomes clear after you remember what you did to Huffnung
10:21.6
10:22.4
Their motivation soon becomes clear after you remember what you did to Huffnung (you monster),
10:22.4
10:24.2
as one of their planes is armed with a nuke.
10:24.2
10:29.8
Taking this lightly, you decide that the appropriate course of action is to disarm the nukes with explosives before they can reach Ustio.
10:31.3
10:33.6
the bombers were not heading for Ustio.
10:49.0
10:51.5
"Ha ̨ha̧ h̵a ha̵ ha͝ ́h͝a.̕.͞.͡"
10:51.5
10:56.1
"I͜ ҉f͠inall̵y̸ ̡f̸oun̴d̴ m͢y rea͜són ͏to̢ figh͘t.͏"
10:56.1
10:59.2
"Án͡d ͡it̨ ̛dǫesń'̢t̸ invơlve ͟yo͘u̴ ́a͘ny͡mo̴re,͡ ̀Ci͡p̨hér̷.́"
11:05.1
11:09.1
The nukes were never intended for Ustio to begin with.
11:09.1
11:11.6
And on June 6, 1995,
11:11.6
11:14.3
And on June 6, 1995, Belka bit into the crazy hamburger.
11:25.8
11:28.5
♫ But if you close your eyes ♫
11:28.5
11:29.3
♫ Does it almost feel like nothing's changed at all? ♫
11:29.3
11:36.9
The Belkans had fairly reasonably created a nuclear border through seven detonations, able to withstand any kind of conventional attack.
11:37.8
11:40.1
An inpenetrable northern border
11:40.1
11:42.4
An inpenetrable northern border to the holy land of Belka.
11:46.3
11:49.2
"Wowie! Those nukes sure were insano boingo!"
11:49.3
11:52.4
"Where is Pixy? He better not be defecting to zany spanish terrorists."
11:52.4
11:55.4
The next two missions are what I like to call 'the PJ missions',
11:55.4
11:57.2
ʙᴇ̢ᴄᴀ͜ᴜsᴇ ̀ʏ̸ᴏ̀ᴜ͡'ʀ́ᴇ́ sᴛᴜᴄᴋ ᴡɪᴛʜ͡ ғᴜ͏ᴄ̵ᴋɪ͜ɴɢ ͟ᴛʜɪs ɢᴜʏ͡.
11:57.2
11:59.6
But I'm not going to torture you with his microphone anymore.
11:59.6
12:02.1
Instead, I will be briefly summarising the filler.
12:02.1
12:07.9
The first mission is very simple; it involves taking out the Belkan remnant armies who refused to accept your hegemony over their country.
12:09.3
12:10.9
... For... 30 minutes or so.
12:10.9
12:13.2
Remember that some missions in this game are over in 2 minutes.
12:13.2
12:14.5
Speaking of which!
12:14.5
12:16.8
It's time to take out the Belkan remnant armies.
12:16.8
12:17.1
It's time to take out the Belkan remnant armies. Again.
12:17.2
12:18.3
It's time to take out the Belkan remnant armies. Again. I guess there's two of them.
12:18.3
12:19.6
The only problem with that is, uh,
12:19.6
12:21.9
The only problem with that is, uh, just a little bit of a peace treaty and ceasefire.
12:21.9
12:23.7
The only problem with that is, uh, just a little bit of a peace treaty and ceasefire. Makes it a little more fuckin difficult.
12:23.7
12:27.8
Don't worry though, people dying needlessly like this is the most lighthearted that we will be for the rest of the video.
12:27.9
12:34.4
"Today is a day of hope. A day in which tension between different countries will be greatly reduced."
12:34.4
12:36.8
𝐈 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠!
12:36.8
12:38.7
"If this explanation appears rushed and random,"
12:38.7
12:39.4
"If this explanation appears rushed and random, do not worry,"
12:39.4
12:41.2
"If this explanation appears rushed and random, do not worry, the developers of the game also rushed it."
12:41.2
12:45.5
"It turns that the Belkan armed forces have been hijacked by some kind of shadowy organisation."
12:45.5
12:48.3
"In fact, you probably weren't even fighting the Belkan army to begin with."
12:48.3
12:50.5
"They call themselves A World Without Boundaries,"
12:50.5
12:51.9
"They call themselves A World Without Boundaries, so I guess they're Catholic priests."
12:51.9
12:53.8
♫ This is, my no-no square! ♫
12:53.9
12:56.5
"Also, they may have bombed a city with a giant plane."
12:56.5
12:58.9
"I'm talking like those fuckers put wings on a house."
12:58.9
13:00.9
"Is anyone else experiencing a bombing right now?"
13:06.1
13:11.0
"Yo dawg can you fuckin believe that they left their keys on the counter? I took that shit right off. Free bomber!"
13:11.0
13:12.7
"Wait why am I hearing spanish guitars?"
13:12.7
13:17.2
"Espada 1, this is Espada 2. Consider this a gift from Espada me to Espada you."
13:17.2
13:19.4
"I speak in limmerick to the enemies I slay."
13:19.4
13:21.7
"I wish to destroy borders, now get out of the way."
13:21.7
13:23.5
"Death you shall have, and quickly too."
13:23.5
13:25.4
"Here I present a missile for you."
13:25.4
13:25.9
"Here I present a missile for you- wait."
13:28.1
13:30.0
"Oh shit he killed the rhyming guy, what the fuck?"
13:30.0
13:32.0
"I better not die in four missiles that's be bad."
13:32.9
13:36.0
You take out Espada squadron within under 30 seconds of gameplay.
13:36.0
13:39.2
Quickly, you turn your attention to the massive craft in a one on one battle.
13:39.2
13:40.8
PJ doesn't exist right now.
13:40.9
13:43.4
You take out the engines using only your mechanical skill
13:43.4
13:45.0
You take out the engines using only your mechanical skill (and six simultaneous missiles launches).
13:45.0
13:49.6
With all of its outer faculties disabled, the only target remaining is the cockpit full of innocent terrorists.
13:49.6
13:50.6
And then it dies.
13:50.6
13:52.2
It was around for one (1) mission.
13:52.5
13:57.6
"Getting closer, I soon turned to the former terrorist, Marcela Vasquez, former pilot of Espada 2."
13:57.6
14:00.2
"What I received, however, was better than any interview."
14:00.2
14:03.5
"Hi, my name is Espada 2, and I am your freestyle dance instructor!"
14:08.5
14:10.9
[Act IV: Avalon]
14:10.9
14:13.2
"I guess you could say that bombing costs me an arm and a leg!"
14:13.2
14:13.7
"I guess you could say that bombing costs me an arm and a leg- help me-"
14:13.7
14:15.0
"A World Without Boundaries seeks to finally destroy all division between mankind."
14:15.1
14:17.9
♫ The monkey in my bathroom ♫
14:17.9
14:20.3
"They have obtained a gigantic cluster nuclear bomb."
14:20.3
14:21.7
"They have obtained a gigantic cluster nuclear bomb. I'm taking eight nukes at once."
14:21.7
14:22.8
"They have obtained a gigantic cluster nuclear bomb. I'm taking eight nukes at once. How- how did they get that?"
14:22.8
14:28.4
"You're gonna have to fly in long distance to the Avalon dam in order to stop us from making a premature return to monke status."
14:28.4
14:31.3
Unfortunately this means you have to progress through airspace B7R again.
14:31.3
14:34.4
King Arthur's at his round table so much he's developing fuckin diabetes.
14:34.4
14:37.9
I wonder what kind of crazy zany personalities we'll be fighting today!
14:37.9
14:42.9
"I am detecting a globetard on the radar gentlemen, we must dispose of this sheeple NASA fuck!"
14:42.9
14:46.3
"Our flat earth community has members from all across the globe!"
14:46.3
14:46.9
"Our flat earth community has members from all across the globe- wait a second-"
14:46.9
14:49.6
"The edge is out there! We simply have to fly towards it!"
14:49.7
14:52.3
"Can you even see the curvature of the earth from up here!?"
14:52.3
14:56.5
"Once you begin to believe in the flat earth it's like your own little world:"
14:56.6
14:59.0
"Once you begin to believe in the flat earth it's like your own little world: A World Without Boundaries!"
14:59.0
15:02.8
"And there is only one way to ensure NASA is destroyed!"
15:02.8
15:06.9
This is the Schwarze battle on steroids. Everything about it is pure glee and insanity.
15:06.9
15:11.5
You battle the enemy craft for what seems like hours, trading blows but never able to pin each other down.
15:11.5
15:14.3
That is, until PJ gets a bright idea.
15:14.4
15:15.4
That is, until PJ gets a bright idea. F o r o n c e .
15:15.4
15:18.5
"H̨ᴇ̸ʏ̡ ͢ʙʀᴏ̴, s͘ᴏ̢ ᴡ͢ʜ̶ʏ̸ ̕ᴅᴏ͏ᴇ͘s͠ ᴛ̸ʜᴇ sᴜ̧ɴ ᴅ͟ɪ҉śsᴀ͡ᴘᴇ͡ᴀʀ ʙᴇʟᴏ̛ᴡ ᴛʜᴇ͢ ͡ʜᴏ̵ʀ͝ɪ̧ᴢ͠ᴏɴ̡ ͠ɪ͞ғ ̡ᴛ͠ʜ͠ᴇ ᴇ̷ᴀ̡ʀᴛ҉ʜ̶ ̴ɪs ҉ғʟᴀ̧ᴛ?͢"
15:18.5
15:20.1
"Well you see, that is the result of a diafragmental"
15:20.1
15:20.3
"Well you see, that is the result of a diafradiafd"
15:20.3
15:20.5
"Well you see, that is the result of a ddfradifragd"
15:20.5
15:22.2
"Well you see, that is the result of a ddfudjsjawdoja"
15:24.2
15:28.9
"In my search went to go interview the former Gault 1, Anton Kupchenko."
15:28.9
15:29.9
"But it thrns out he's dead."
15:29.9
15:30.9
"But it thrns out he's dead. That's the cemetery."
15:30.9
15:32.6
"But I noticed something peculiar."
15:32.7
15:34.6
"But I noticed something peculiar. On his gravestone read the words:"
15:34.6
15:36.4
"If you're reading this, the earth is flat."
15:36.5
15:39.6
It's finally time to enter Avalon dam and stop the missile.
15:39.6
15:40.8
You do it like this.
15:40.8
15:43.9
𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒
15:43.9
15:44.6
wE mAdE iT!
15:44.6
15:46.6
And then you crash, so you have to do it again.
15:46.6
15:48.2
𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒𝔸𝕒
15:48.2
15:52.5
You enter the inner sanctum of the dam, destroying the joints that protect the launcher's weak spots.
15:52.5
15:55.7
Then you go back in under a time limit to destroy the other weak spots.
15:55.8
15:56.7
Then you go back in under a time limit to destroy the other weak spots. I'm not nervous!
15:56.7
16:01.7
And with the death of the final control module, the launch system is destroyed and the world is saved.
16:01.7
16:05.2
"W͜ᴇ̸ ͘ᴅɪ̴ᴅ̀ ̀ɪ͟ᴛ! ͝I̵ ᴛ̶ʜɪ̧ɴᴋ̨ ͟ɪ̢ᴛ͢'s ̶ʜ̀ɪɢʜ͜ ᴛɪᴍ͜ᴇ ᴛʜᴀ͞ᴛ̶ I ̡ᴍᴀ̷ʀʀ͠ɪᴇᴅ̨ ͠ᴍʏ ɢ̷ɪʀʟ͠ғʀ͠ɪᴇ̵ɴᴅ ̶ʙ̶ᴀ̸ᴄ͡ᴋ͝ ᴀ͢ᴛ ʙᴀsᴇ͡."
16:05.2
16:06.6
"I̢ ̸ᴇ̛ᴠ͢ᴇ̶ɴ̸ ͢ʙᴏ̸ᴜ̵ɢ̧ʜᴛ ͏ʜ͝ᴇ҉ʀ͜ ̷ғ̸ʟᴏ̷ᴡᴇʀ̸s!̧"
16:06.6
16:08.7
And with that, PJ's death was fufilled.
16:16.8
16:18.2
"So, tell me."
16:20.3
16:22.3
"Have you found a reason to fight yet?"
16:25.7
16:29.4
"I knew that we were destined to meet here, Cipher. Ever since the beginning."
16:29.4
16:30.9
"Think about Hoffnung, Cipher!"
16:30.9
16:32.1
"It's all because of borders"
16:32.1
16:35.1
"It's all because of borders and police officers telling me that I can't eat the drywall at Home Depot!"
16:35.1
16:37.1
"Can you see any borders from up here?"
16:37.2
16:38.6
"Can you see any borders from up here? What has borders given us?"
16:38.6
16:39.2
"Can you see any borders from up here? What has borders given us? Books?"
16:39.2
16:43.5
"No... I'll just have to destroy them all. Reset everything to zero."
16:43.5
16:45.1
"No... I'll just have to destroy them all. Reset everything to zero. That's what V2 is for!"
16:45.1
16:47.3
"You'll have to kill me to stop this launch."
16:47.3
16:49.9
"How many nukes do you think I can fit on a single aircraft?"
16:50.0
16:51.7
"How many nukes do you think I can fit on a single aircraft? EAT MY SQUARE EXPLOSIONS!"
16:51.7
16:53.0
"HOW MANY CAN YOU DODGE!?"
16:53.0
16:53.5
"HOW MANY CAN YOU DODGE!? SEVEN!?"
16:53.5
16:54.1
"HOW MANY CAN YOU DODGE!? SEVEN!? Probably seven."
16:54.1
16:56.3
"I HAVE THE POWER OF GOD, CYPHER!"
16:56.3
16:57.9
"This is only the beginning."
16:57.9
16:58.9
"LAUNCH THE BIG FUCK!"
16:58.9
17:02.9
♫ Cum historia ♫
17:02.9
17:04.8
♫ mutat valde ♫
17:04.9
17:10.0
♫ Razgriz revelat ipsum: ♫
17:10.0
17:13.4
♫ Primum daemon scelestus est! ♫
17:13.4
17:15.0
"It's time."
17:15.0
17:17.2
"You'll have to joust me like a knight to kill me."
17:17.2
17:18.4
"You'll have to joust me like a knight to kill me. From the front!"
17:18.4
17:20.4
"I loved you like a brother."
17:20.4
17:23.6
"You're the only one who can kill me, Cipher. The only one!"
17:23.6
17:24.9
"One last time!"
17:39.0
17:41.5
"Attention all passengers, I'd like to welcome you all to Northern Belka."
17:41.5
17:43.2
"Attention all passengers, I'd like to welcome you all to Northern Belka- is that a fuckin nuke outside-"
17:48.0
17:51.0
"Unfortunately I was unable to find Cypher under threat of death."
17:51.0
17:53.3
"In fact, I'm pretty sure that my firstborn son is now dead."
17:53.4
18:00.5
"But along the way I learned many lessons and... I think that they're worth passing on. And I think that they're worth learning for the next life."
18:00.6
18:01.9
"What about you?"
18:02.0
18:04.1
"Did you learn anything, Pixy?"
18:05.5
18:06.9
"Can I please see my children before I die?"
