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This episode of Musical Hell is brought to you by Midnight Musicals. Welcome to the podcast musical underground. Thank you.
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[demon screeching]
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DIVA: Yes, I still know there's Patreon requests on the docket. They can wait.
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I'm in charge of this court, this is my anniversary,
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and we are finally going to do the Superman musical.
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SAM EAGLE: What?
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00:26.8
DIVA: Yes, you heard right, my children.
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Long before Spiderman had boys falling from the sky in more ways than one,
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00:36.0
there was our next offender: "It's a Bird, It's a Plane, It's Superman."
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00:40.6
And like the later production, it also had seemingly promising pedigree.
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The score was by Charles Strouse, composer of probably the most popular comic-based musical ever.
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00:51.2
The book, written by future Superman screenwriters David Newman and Robert Burton,
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followed the same aesthetic as the hugely popular Batman television series.
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01:00.8
And the original production was produced and directed by none other than Hal Prince,
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who in 1966 was already a major player on Broadway,
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01:09.5
and with Cabaret debuting later that year, would only become more formidable.
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01:15.4
But, as is often the case, all this name power didn't translate into actual success.
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01:18.4
And the show limped through a mere four month run.
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01:23.1
But a couple of regional productions, now with the title shortened to just "Superman,"
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01:27.1
and several recordings of the signature song "You've Got Possiblities,"
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kept it in the public consciousness long enough to bring about this made-for-television adaptation
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01:40.2
in 1975 with a truncated book and score and ... a lot to answer for.
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So let's examine the case of ... you know, let's just it "Superman" to make things easier.
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01:52.1
This being a comic book-based property, what better way to start than with an overly dramatic narrator?
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01:55.7
ANNOUNCER: ... deceitful glamour boy columnist for the Metropolis Daily Planet.
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01:58.7
MAX MENCKEN: I hate Superman.
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Big show-off.
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02:03.5
Well, I like monogrammed shirts as well as the next guy.
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But that big red S--Superman, heh.
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02:11.1
DIVA: OK, there are probably lots of better ways to start.
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02:15.9
Say, any way that doesn't involve our main characters looking at the fourth wall
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02:17.9
and declaring their motivations to us.
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02:23.1
You need some Shakespeare-level writing to pull that kind of thing off, and this isn't it.
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02:27.2
Having introduced our main characters—Lois Lane,
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02:29.4
egotistical columnist Max Mencken,
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02:31.3
Max's gal Friday Sydney,
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02:33.9
and local mad scientist Abner Sedgewick—
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02:39.1
the narrator give a brief rundown of Superman's backstory for anyone who doesn't know it.
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02:41.3
So, two people, maybe?
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02:44.5
After all the Zack Snyder Super-angst,
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02:48.1
it's kind of refreshing to see a Ma and Pa Kent who are remarkably chill
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02:50.4
about their adopted son's abilities.
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02:56.8
MA KENT: Oh, baby Clark has smashed through the nursery wall again.
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02:58.1
PA KENT: The little dickens!
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02:58.7
MA KENT chuckles
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But young Clark quickly undergoes a case of Dead Parent Syndrome,
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and so sets out to Metropolis to fight for truth et al.
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03:13.0
Which brings us to the story proper, our first song, and sin #2: "We Need Him."
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03:15.1
WOMAN: [singing] He saved my baby from a fire!
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03:18.3
CHORUS: [singing] He saved her baby from a fire! Yes he did! Yes he did!
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03:20.8
MAN: [singing] He caught a thug that was mugging Uncle Meyer.
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03:25.0
DIVA: The first chorus number does not bode well for the rest of the movie.
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03:30.3
First, there's the orchestrations, which have been reworked to fit the 1970s mold.
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03:35.7
If you're going to update the sound of the song, you need to have the skill to justify it.
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03:41.2
When Whitney Houston sang Rogers and Hammerstein's "Impossible" in her riff-heavy R&B style,
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it worked because not only did she have the talent to pull it off,
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but because she was Whitney fucking Houston,
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03:52.3
and it wouldn't make sense to have her sing in the same manner as, say, Bernadette Peters.
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Just throwing in a bunch of electric guitars and drums doesn't add a new twist to the song.
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It just makes you sound desperate to appeal to the kids these days.
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Then there's the choreography, which is rather dull and mostly involves singing to the camera.
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I mean, if you want to see that, there's been more than enough videos
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over the past year to accommodate that need.
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In the Daily Planet newsroom,
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most of our main characters are going about their usual daily business.
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04:24.5
Lois is alternating between mooning over Superman and blithely ignoring Clark's existence.
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04:27.5
Sydney is yelling at Max for standing her up again.
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04:31.2
And Max is using his platform to air his personal grievances.
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04:38.1
MAX: What's collared caped schlemiel with an S on his chest is becoming a menace to commercial aviation.
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04:40.9
DIVA: Hope they don't hear about Max's routine in the Marvel-verse.
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04:43.9
That J. Jonah Jameson seems like the litigious type.
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04:49.0
Elsewhere, Superman's downfall is being plotted in one of those abandoned warehouses
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04:51.3
that are so essential to criminal activity.
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04:57.4
MOBSTERS: I pledge allegiance to the Mob of the United Hoods of the Underworld.
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05:02.6
DIVA: Yes, the rejects from Nathan Detroit's crap game get old really fast.
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05:04.2
But it could be worse.
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05:09.7
In the original musical, they were a troupe of Chinese acrobats with names like Ming Foo Ling.
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Anyway, the head mafioso is putting out a hit on Superman,
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05:19.0
and he give his thugs one week to do the job or else.
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Sounds like someone has never heard of actionable goals.
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But first, an ode to capitalism!
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05:30.2
MOBSTERS: [singing] It's a rich country full of old and trusting souls!
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It's a swell country without no gun control!
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DIVA: The fact that this song could have easily been written yesterday
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05:45.8
is both very impressive and very, very depressing.
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05:51.6
Our actual antagonist, Dr. Sedgewick, is also commencing on his destroy Superman plot,
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05:55.7
which begins with him seeking out Superman's favorite damsel in distress.
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06:02.0
LOIS: Oh, you're too modest! Why, when anybody speaks of the Metropolis Institute of Technology,
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they—they really mean Dr. Abner Sedgewick.
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DIVA: Our intrepid reporter, ladies and gentlemen!
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Sin #3, I really, *really* dislike Lois's characterization in this.
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Look, I know comic book canon is a vast and multi-faceted universe,
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so I can believe that somewhere out there, there's a basis for portraying Lois as a simpering flake
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with no thought in her tiny little mind beyond becoming Mrs. Kal-El.
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But that doesn't make it a good idea.
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Does anybody really want a Lois Lane whose big solo involves her indulging
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06:41.1
in a "Somewhere That's Green"-esque domestic fantasy?
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LOIS: [singing] Green stamps in a book / Making like a cook
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06:53.9
DIVA: I wish we could have seen Leslie Ann Warren play Lois with the wit we all know she's capable of.
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06:57.9
This dumb brunette act is embarrassing for the both of us.
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Sedgewick explains to Lois that there's a death ray at the local university
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that was originally designed to quell student uprisings.
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But now it's gone haywire and threatens to destroy the entire city.
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He knows she's got an in with Superman and begs her to ask for his help.
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But Clark has overheard the entire thing and is out the door
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before Lois can look up Superman in her Rolodex.
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With Superman on the way, Sedgewick explains to the fourth wall
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07:26.1
that everything is going according to plan.
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SEDGEWICK: Soon, he will face a ray so powerful that even on its shapedown test,
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07:39.1
it was capable of obliterating an Internal Revenue agent at a range of 1,000 miles.
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DIVA: At the university, Superman bursts through the wall—
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07:45.3
Batman would have at least used the window—
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07:48.3
and quickly punches the death ray into submission.
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07:54.1
Undeterred, Sedgewick explains that everything is *still* going according to plan.
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SEDGEWICK: Oh, he's a great hero now. But the higher he flies, the further he has to fall.
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DIVA: And he expounds on his motivation, which is that he wants to take over the world
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so he can destroy Sweden, which has snubbed him for the Nobel Prize one too many times.
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And finally, we get some good old-fashioned mad scientist scenery-chewing.
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08:19.0
SEDGEWICK: Ten times, I was runner-up! Ten times!
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But always [Swedish accent] Hey been sorry, Dr. Sedgewick, but you blew it again.
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[normal voice] Look at me! Look at me!
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A ten-time Nobel Prize loser!
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DIVA: Which unfortunately leads into sin #4: "Revenge."
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08:43.0
SEDGEWICK: [singing] Revenge, revenge, I'll have it on them all.
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No single slight will I forget / I'll show no mercy, you can bet.
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DIVA: This doesn't say evil mad scientist to me.
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It's more like dopey sidekick nobody likes.
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Speak of the angel, Max has overheard the entire rant
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and wants in on Sedgewick's destroy Superman plot.
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As one Superman's out of the way, Max will be the most popular man in Metropolis
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and also have unobstructed access to Lois.
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Sedgewick tells Max to meet him at his laboratory in one hour.
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This means Max has to break off his date with Sydney who is none too pleased about it.
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09:23.7
[Sydney groans]
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Come on. If you really wanted to commit to the comic book aesthetic,
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you should have given her grawlixes.
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Sydney's had it with Max and decides to flirt with Clark instead
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by means of the score's only popular song.
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SYDNEY: [singing] You've got possiblities / Though you're horribly square.
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DIVA: Meanwhile, the random Mafia guys have figured out that their usual tactic of shooting bullets at the problem
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isn't going to help in this case.
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But they figure a guy who can design a death ray might have some better ideas.
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09:56.0
So they go to pay Sedgewick a visit.
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Sedgewick, meanwhile, is describing his latest diabolical plan,
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or maybe his original diabolical plan version 1.3, to Max.
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SEDGEWICK: The way to destroy Superman is to have Superman destroy himself.
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[background music]
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MAX: You mean to say that Superman would destroy himself?
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10:23.2
SEDGEWICK: I mean to say that Superman would destroy himself.
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MAX: Ah, I see. You mean that Superman ...
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DIVA: Finally, Sedgewick explains that there will be a ceremony honoring Superman
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for the whole death ray destroying thing
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10:39.6
and reasons that by causing a calamity to befall the city
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just as its protector is receiving accolades, the public can be persuaded to turn against him.
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With a little help from Max's journalistic influence, of course.
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10:52.7
SEDGEWICK: Well, he couldn't take it. He'd fall apart. He'd collapse inwardly. Ergo, he would ...
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10:57.0
MAX: Wait a minute. Superman would destroy ...
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10:58.4
MAN: Oh, shut up!
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11:01.3
DIVA: The gleeful villains get their music gloat on,
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and if you thought "Revenge" was a disappointing villain song, you ain't heard nothing yet.
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11:10.5
SEDGEWICK: [singing] You're tops in my book, cookie!
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11:14.3
MAX: [speaking] Hit it Abner! You're Mickey Mouse!
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11:19.2
DIVA: May the ghost of Cole Porter haunt you forever for stealing that lyric.
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11:22.6
Oh look! The villain plots have finally intersected.
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Generic Mafia guys declare they're kidnapping Sedgewick to force him to work on the destroying Superman issue,
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11:33.7
but since he's already working on that life goal, he enlists them as henchmen instead.
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11:38.1
Meanwhile, Clark and Lois are ... kissing?
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11:42.7
LOIS: Oh, Clark! And you've been there all along?
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11:48.3
CLARK: Yeah, you just never noticed. I guess it was going on talking to Sydney that changed me.
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11:51.3
DIVA: Yeah, turns out Clark and Sydney didn't really click
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11:55.7
because she realized he was really crazy about Lois and gave him the courage to approach her,
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12:00.3
and Lois has realized that maybe the awkward but kind normal guy might be a better fit for her
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than the remote, unapproachable superhero.
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And sin #7: maybe we should have had scenes actually showing these things happening,
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rather than giving them hastily exposited at us?
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Sedgewick sends his new goons to put his evil plan into action,
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12:18.1
which involves a cartoon bomb under Metropolis City Hall.
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12:23.4
The explosion is set to detonate just as Superman is getting the university campus laundry
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named in his honor at a ceremony attended by a bunch of adoring students
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and a couple of metafictional characters.
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12:32.1
MAN: Pretty keen shirts. Where did you get them?
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12:33.1
JERRY: Joe here did 'em.
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12:34.1
JOE: Come on, Jerry!
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DIVA: In case that went by too fast, these two guys are named after and kind of implied to be
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12:45.7
Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. They will be back later.
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12:51.3
Just as Superman is making an awkward speech about protecting truth, justice, etc.,
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City Hall is blown up, and Max wastes no time channeling his inner Tucker Carlson.
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13:03.2
MAX: Where was Superman, huh? Why did he fail to stop this terrible catastrophe?
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Oh, my fellow Americans!
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It is at a time like this when I wish I was sitting there in Washington in that Oval Office.
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DIVA: The crowd turns on Superman and Max is delighted.
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Sydney is distinctly unimpressed, however, and gets so into her frankly terrific paean
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to Max's self-love that she doesn't even notice him being kidnapped.
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13:36.8
SYDNEY: [singing] You do something to you / no one can do!
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13:39.0
DIVA: It turns out Sedgewick has a computer
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13:43.0
that has been working on determining Superman's secret identity.
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13:46.2
Which, you know, is something you'd think he'd want to figure out
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13:49.0
before working on the whole destroy Superman thing.
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13:52.6
Not that it matters, as the computer has put together two and two
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13:54.5
and come up with Euler's number.
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13:59.1
SEDGEWICK: You can, Max Mencken, or should I say Superman?
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14:03.3
MAX: Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot, doc! That jerk computer's wrong! Wrong!
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14:06.9
SEDGEWICK: The computer says it's never wrong.
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14:11.1
DIVA: But it doesn't take them too long to rule Max out of the equation,
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leaving them to pretty much the only other male reporter on the Daily Planet staff.
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14:20.6
Now armed with Superman's secret identity, the two of them go into the final phase
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of the destroy Superman plot and head to Clark Kent's apartment.
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Superman happens to be there now,
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moping around the house in his tights and singing lounge numbers with way too much echo effect.
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14:45.3
SUPERMAN: [singing] Why must the strongest man in the world / Be the saddest man, tell me why?
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14:50.3
DIVA: Sedgewick's coup de grâce—I am almost embarrassed to admit this—
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14:55.4
involves giving Superman a quick psychoanalyst session in which Sedgewick declares
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15:00.2
the Man of Steel to be a sick freak and leaves him quivering with doubt and self-loathing.
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15:03.1
It was the 1970s. Mental trauma was funny.
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15:08.3
SEDGEWICK: Did it ever occur to you that that X-ray vision is just another word for voyeruism?
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15:11.3
DIVA: I've been going easy on Sedgewick's evil plan,
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15:14.5
which largely seems to have been made up as he went along.
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15:16.6
But this is the final straw.
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15:21.3
This idea was probably clever and topical in the 60s and 70s,
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15:25.6
when the mental health field was just beginning to evolve into its current form.
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15:28.5
But boy, listening to Superman whine
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15:33.0
while Lois tries in vain to boost his self-esteem has not aged well.
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15:34.5
SUPERMAN: Now nobody loves me.
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15:40.5
LOIS: Oh, Superman! That's not true! Why, everybody loves you!
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15:41.3
[Superman whines]
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15:42.1
LOIS: Awww.
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15:45.3
DIVA: If I wanted to hear a neurotic dope complain about his life
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15:47.9
to a woman who's inexplicably attracted to him,
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15:49.8
I'd watch a Woody Allen movie.
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15:54.4
Lois is unable to snap Superman out of his funk before the thugs arrive
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15:56.6
for her regulary-scheduled kidnapping.
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16:02.4
This proves to be the last straw for Superman, who decides to throw himself off a bridge.
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16:05.7
It was the 1970s. Suicide was also funny.
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16:09.2
Meanwhile, Lois is escorted into Sedgewick's laboratory.
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16:14.0
LOIS: Oh, oh Dr. Sedgewick, thank heavens you're here!
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16:19.5
DIVA: Yeah, not the brightest crystal in the Fortress of Solitude, this particular Lois.
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16:22.3
Although she does get to sing the villains the riot act.
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16:27.6
LOIS: [singing] You will end your lives in jail. Good will triumph, don't forget.
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16:33.1
DIVA: The plan is to blow up the lab and all its incriminating evidence, with Lois inside.
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16:37.0
But a betrayal pile-up of Westerosian proportions ensues
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16:40.9
when Sedgewick decides he no longer needs Max and ties him to the detonator,
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16:43.5
which will go off if Max moves too much.
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16:47.4
And the thugs decide they're done with Sedgewick and tie him up, too.
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16:51.3
Fortunately, Superman has remembered he can't actually drown
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16:53.9
and Joe and Jerry—remember them?
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16:58.0
—come by and encourage the Man of Steel to let his freak flag fly.
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16:59.8
JOE: There's nothing wrong with being a freak.
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17:02.4
JERRY: That's right. Just means you're a little different than the rest.
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17:04.4
SUPERMAN: Different, you mean better?
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17:08.1
JOE: No, no, no, just like, um, like moreso.
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17:13.5
JERRY: Right. Like take Michaelangelo. Only a freak would have taken four years just to paint a ceiling.
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17:19.0
DIVA: The metafictional support gives Superman his mojo back, and he flies off to save the day.
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17:23.4
The thugs put up a fight, but they're no match for 70s funk powers.
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17:27.5
SUPERMAN: [singing] You boys, pow! are good, bam! / I like a crook who really tries. /
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17:31.6
Come on, pow! Let's go, wham! / You'll learn a trick or two.
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17:36.3
DIVA: Superman carries Lois off, promising to return for the villains later.
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17:40.2
Unfortunately for them, Max has come down with a bad case of the hiccups.
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17:41.9
SEDGEWICK: Let me scare you!
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17:43.9
MAX: Won't scare, I'm terrified already!
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17:44.6
[Max hiccups loudly]
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17:46.9
[Explosion]
17:47.1
17:48.4
DIVA: But it all ends well.
17:48.5
17:51.6
The blast just ends up giving Max and Sedgewick amnesia,
17:51.6
17:56.5
causing them to forget both Superman's secret identity and all their evil tendencies.
17:56.6
18:02.8
Max has proposed to Sydney and Sedgewick is working the Daily Planet science beat and gunning for a Pulitzer.
18:02.9
18:09.1
Lois still finds herself torn between Clark and Superman, but no matter. There's always days to save.
18:09.2
18:12.0
ALL: This looks like a job for ...
18:15.6
18:16.6
ANNOUNCER: Superman!
18:16.7
18:20.0
[thunder crashes]
18:20.1
18:25.8
DIVA: The best part of Superman is Charles Strouse's score, which does have some genuine gems.
18:25.9
18:28.3
Even if they're hobbled by the arrangements.
18:28.4
18:31.9
The main problem is the book, at least in this film adaptation,
18:32.0
18:36.3
which is, if you'll pardon the expression, an unholy mess,
18:36.4
18:39.9
and one that is embarrassingly outdated in a lot of places.
18:40.0
18:44.5
Therefore, the court of Musical Hell orders the following punishments:
18:44.5
18:48.4
For messing up Strouse's score with the bad funk arrangements,
18:48.5
18:52.5
we condemn Fred Warner to eat steaks smothered with Hershey's syrup.
18:52.5
18:55.1
For the clumsy jumbled-up adaptation,
18:55.2
19:00.4
Romeo Muller is condemned to search a Where's Waldo illustration with Waldo removed.
19:00.5
19:07.5
And finally, for their villainous ineptitude, Abner Sedgewick and Max Mencken are condemned to ... each other.
19:07.6
19:12.5
MAX: You mean to say that Superman would destroy himself?
19:12.6
19:14.3
SEDGEWICK: I mean to say that Superman ...
19:14.4
19:17.6
DIVA: Yeah, you get the picture. So let it be recorded.
19:17.7
19:22.1
This session of the infernal court in Musical Hell is now adjourned.
19:22.2
19:22.9
[gavel bangs]
19:23.0
19:52.0
[Danse Macabre by Camille Saint-Saëns]
